Toxic Relationships

By Brittney Power

Thank you for joining and listening to the Power 2 B.

Where I will speak truth, I won’t sugar coat anything and you will hear the hard-shit you don’t want to hear. But maybe, just maybe you will relate to these words, my stories and the feelings that might inspire you to find your Power to B.

Realize you’re a sellout.

What is a sell out?

Honesty, it is several things; as a sellout you walk away from your own values and beliefs that make you who you are. This person wants to see how far you will bend. How far they can mold you into who they want you to be, only for their own benefit.  Once you fall in love with them your love blind eyes will hide their intentions, more often than none.  Once you change your mind, change yourself and change the rules to your life just to make someone happy – this is when the real problems begin. You won’t see yourself changing from the person you once were until it is too late. You will become a sellout to yourself. Possibly even become someone you don’t like or person you promised yourself never to become. Blame others all you want, but you allowed this person to consume you so deep it altered your entire outlook on your life and took your identity.

Manipulation is sweet. You will fall so hard and so deep into a toxic relationship it will feel better than any drug you ever tried in your early 20’s. You will get a high just from a look in their eyes when they see you staring at them. You will feel a rush from the text message you’ve been waiting for all day that finally pops up despite the fact your slammed at work and too busy to read it. You will hold on to broken promises. Will they come over and spend time with you because you are sick or had a horrible day? Yet no matter the situation something always comes up.

They have you right where they want you. Holding on to the idea it might happen today or tomorrow or maybe in a month, once they have time to remember how amazing you are. Then this person, suddenly doesn’t have time for you and only seems to hurt and confuse you instead. This is power over your mind. They are manipulating your heart playing a never-ending cat and mouse game that will leave you empty with no chance for closure.

Guilt.

It is possibly one of the most difficult emotions to experience. In my last relationship, I must say, I wasn’t perfect by any means and before I go into that I just want to clarify that I made mistakes too. Ultimately, some of those mistakes led to the end of my marriage. I went to therapy for months to understand why I couldn’t end a relationship I was in for years yet was so unhappy in.

This was because I had guilt.

I didn’t want my husband to leave and not have a place to stay or a car or a plan. I had guilt because I took care of him for so many years and believed my love for him was helping him. My love for him was going to motivate him to be the best him he could be. After all, that is what we all want to do for our partners right? We want to love them so much and so hard that it makes them happy enough to be the best version of themselves. The only problem is if they expect you to pay the bills, buy the cars, the house and take care of the hard “adult stuff”. Why would they want to change? I was enabling him to be completely co-dependent on me and I’ll admit, I loved it. I loved feeling needed. However, once a relationship is at its end the guilt sinks in like a sharp pain in your stomach after eating some bad Mexican food. Guilt made me so sick it spun my Crohns Disease (auto-immune disease) into a flare up several times through the process of filing for divorce and breaking up.

The cycle of letting go is vicious and scary. You get caught in a rabbit hole of one-word texts to a person who isn’t worth one syllable anymore, but all it takes is a text back you weren’t expecting and once again you’re hooked. Recently I had a colonoscopy and I must say, I was in a good place and was almost over this nightmare and started moving on. All it took was one text from him to ask if I needed help with our daughter. Of course, I accepted his courtesy, but that is all it took. Then a few weeks went by of him playing nice and acting like he was happy to be my friend. Then it suddenly turned into a distance I can’t even put into words. A little advice to you kids caught in the cycle. Don’t have sex with these people. Do not do it. The distance turned into mean and hateful behavior. Two weeks after my colonoscopy I was fired from my job.

Do you think he wanted to come over and be my friend then? Nope.
Do you think he really cared about me losing my job? Probably not.
What benefit am I to him now?

Had I chosen to cut the communication off a long time ago, I wouldn’t have allowed any of that to happen again, but the cycle continued and so did my broken heart. It just kept breaking over and over and over. But what I want you to understand is that I allowed it to.

Break the chains.

Stop selling yourself for the lie of this co called love, or the idea that this person will change or fall on their knees and say they’re sorry for all those times they hurt you.

Because they won’t!

Nine times out of ten any problems you had will be your fault, right? Not theirs. So why waste your time hoping they will apologize? As far as they’re concerned they didn’t do a damn thing wrong. You will never win the fight. It will end with you in tears sobbing, alone in your bed with a deep pain in your heart because you realize you are to blame.

You ALLOWED this to happen.

Were you an idiot to fall in love in the first place? No way. Love is blind, yes, but it is beautiful and precious and can get you through some of the hardest times in your life. You didn’t know you were falling in love with the wrong person. Maybe they were the right person for the time or for who you were as a person when you met them. I have no regrets. I cherish and value all the laughs and love we had for one another including the wonderful birth of our daughter. Even the wedding I paid for, where he was so drunk and stoned I had to hold him up at the alter while we said our vows. Is it okay to call a woman a cunt or white trash? NEVER, especially when after that so-called wedding day making a fool out of me in front of all my friends and family.  Even after that shit show I still loved him and put in another year with him. Not because I was an idiot but because I wanted to love him and no one else. I had faith in him and who we could be together in time. But friends, once you are manipulated and taken advantage of, hurt and put down, you must get out. Now I will say I wasn’t perfect in this relationship; as it was toxic on both ends. I became this controlling bitch because I felt like I had a child as a husband and probably put him down as a man more times than I should have.

But regardless no person should experience hearing I love you and cunt in the same breath.

Letting Go.

We have been split up almost a year and I still struggle with it. But I know I deserve better and it gets a little exhausting doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome every time. Insanity doesn’t help anything or anyone. Self-love is the only medicine for this but know that Loving your self is not always easy. Remembering yourself before the toxicity takes place is hard, especially since my mother died a month before I met my ex-husband, but ANYTHING is possible. You must find purpose, passion and happiness for yourself again. You can’t find it from your ex or anyone else it must come from your heart. Even if you have to stare at yourself in the mirror every morning and say;

I am amazing and beautiful
I got out of bed
I went to work and handled my business
I kept a smile on my face
I made it through the day without having a breakdown

This alone is a daily accomplishment and should be rewarded. Be sure to pat yourself on the back every single time you made it through the day without crying. Try leaving your phone in your room or put it away so you’re not tempted to look for texts. Another great way to help racing thoughts and depression is yoga or going for a walk. Those two things helped me so much.  Keep your mind busy and try not to dwell on the what if – something that will never be. The only person that can put the joy, love and fire back in your heart that you so desperately need is yourself. No one else. Once you begin to feel that love return you will feel more empowered than you have in your entire life. At that point you will be able to go to sleep in your bed alone and feel good about watching Netflix alone, after all it’s the little things in life. You will look at your kids with a renewed purpose in life, more than you ever before. If you don’t have kids you will look at your career, hobbies and your goals in a whole new light.

Nothing is impossible to obtain, and Everything is within grasp. Only, and only if, you can grab your life by the balls. But you must get the toxic out and stop letting those people break your heart.

You are a precious and incredible, a shining light.

You are worth more love and special moments than any prophet, poet or teacher could explain to you.

Love yourself.

You are all you’ve got. From the words of Lucille Ball, “You really have to love yourself to get anywhere in this world”. We are all chasing dreams and love but keep this idea in your mind;

Is it possible to find this love without going through hell in a hand basket to get there? YES!

The only person standing in your way, is yourself. Don’t dream it, do it. Love light and equality to all.

Love you so much,

B

 

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